Why are people so shocked when husbands don’t want to have sex? It is not such a shock to me. I see it in my office a lot. I see men who are just as tired and exhausted as us women — and being too tired is one of the first reasons why the sexual desire of men can decrease. However, this contradicts our cultural beliefs about men and sex. The myth that men will have sex anytime, anywhere –and with anyone — is simply untrue. The myth about women “having a headache” and trying to get out of sex as often as possible is another myth that’s not always true.

The problem with the myth about men is that it can stop them from reaching out when they are having low-libido issues. Men are embarrassed and ashamed and unwilling to reach out to their partners or their doctors about these issues. If your man is turning you down for sex, don’t assume it is because he is pulling a Tiger Woods/John Edwards/Jesse James/etc. It may be due to one of these other reasons …


Antidepressants and blood pressure medications can cause low libido and negatively impact sexual functioning.


Fluctuating Hormones

Men are affected by fluctuating hormone levels. To rule that out as a cause of low libido, your man should request these four tests: free testosterone, prolactin, SHBG and total testosterone levels.


Lack of Sleep

When men are young, sex tends to outweigh sleep — but as they age, work harder and have kids, a good night’s sleep can start to sound better than sex. (Hey, they aren’t so different from us!)


Feeling Turned Off

Some men will reject sex that isn’t fulfilling. (This can be related to specific things their partner is doing or not doing.) Instead of discussing these issues, men may shut down.


Identity Issues

When men feel unsuccessful in their work or in their roles as husbands and fathers, they can lose interest in sex. This can be related to feelings of depression and anxiety about their life and identity. Big losses for them — such as the death of a family member or getting laid off — can also lower their libido and cause depression.



Some men punish their partners by refusing sex when there is conflict within the couple. They also may just be unable to muster sexual feelings when they are angry and frustrated with their partners. (Again, they’re not so different from us!)


Too Much Masturbation

Considering the relative newness of Internet porn, this is a more recent problem for couples. Men may use the Internet for masturbation way more often than they partner up for sex — and this can be frustrating for their partners. It’s also one of the first clues to a possible sexual addiction.



Stress can impact men greatly, especially given our current economic situation. Financial issues, work challenges, parenting dilemmas, fertility issues and health concerns can all play a role.


Difficulty with Sexual Functioning

These issues involve the physical aspect of our partners’ sexual organs. Are they having erectile dysfunction or premature-ejaculation issues? Many men are embarrassed to reveal this even to their wives; rather than deal with the problem, they may choose to avoid sex altogether.