Several months ago I was on Dr. Drew’s show, an episode about the Anthony Weiner exposure debacle, with a gentleman (term used loosely) named Steve Santagati who represented himself as an alpha male. Because of the nature of the television interview, we were unable to have a complete conversation, and I have some things left to say. Steve, you richly pointed out “we’re on a television show, not a documentary, so I have to speak in generalities”… I don’t know what that means exactly, but if you’re reading my blog, I invite your comments, here we go…
Steve said that men are not biologically designed to be with one woman, that their number one bio-behavioral imperative is sex.
Well, forgive me for questioning your undoubtedly vast biological scholarship, but what are these “facts” based upon? Your reasoning screams a need for immediate gratification. You know who needs immediate gratification Steve? Not men. Not “alpha males”. Babies. Babies require food when they’re hungry, warmth when they’re cold, they cannot self soothe and it is an adult caretaker’s, often mom or dad, job to provide for the babies needs. When we grow up and mature through healthy developmental stages we learn to meet our own needs and sometimes to delay gratification. That’s adulthood. Sometime trauma, which can be defined in a number of ways, delays our development, so we become stuck in a developmental stage. In the case of immediate gratification, we can assume that the individual who cannot self soothe, who can not suspend gratification, has actually not developed emotionally beyond infancy.
Sex is a physical act. At it’s most healthy, sex can be the physical component of a very rich and emotional relationship. Conversely it can also be a physical act devoid of any emotional or spiritual meaning. Psychologically, it can also e an expression of panic, a perceived need to have sex with as many people as possible as a defense against a fear of death.
Sex can also become a compulsion, again a defense, against extreme anxiety or feeling a lack of control over one’s life. As a psychologist and a relationship expert, when I see a patient of mine with an unhealthy relationship with sex, that is a use of sex for other than bonding with another, I know there is something else going on with the person. Often they are suffering from any number of emotional or mental health issues, and when we begin to resolve that, they are able to resume a healthy sex life.
As Dr. Drew pointed out Steve, did you know that men are actually better through monogamy? Men are healthier, they live longer, and are better able to cope with daily stresses when they are involved in monogamous relationships. Partnering gives us an ally. When we are willing to go through conflict with another person, we can discover a better self through relationship. A better self, Steve, a self that does not need to tell a woman to “zip-it.com” when she’s making a point that you don’t like, a self that doesn’t say about an attempted adult conversation, that “this is not a documentary”, a self that can listen as well as speak. Despite what you say, that “we are all the same, men are all the same” Steve, most of the men that I know and work with would be embarrassed to be represented by your philosophy.
Steve, my husband is an alpha male. He is sexy and smart and caring and nurturing. He protects his family and respects his wife. We have incredibly hot monogamous sex and sometimes he goes with his friends to a strip club. I’ve even gone once or twice. My alpha male husband is not threatened by our relationship, he is strengthened by it. That is the bio-behavioral imperative of healthy male development.
Oh and if my frontal cortex was not as developed as it is and I was stuck in a developmental stage of childhood like you, my response to your “Zip-it.com” would have gone a little like this, “Steve, Steve talk to the hand (please note I would be rolling my eyes very dramatically, similar to you, while I put my hand in the air. A heavy sigh would occur) Then I would continue, “I think for this conversation to happen Steve you might need to get out your computer and punch in Wikipedia because this “documentary style” dialogue might go a little too fast and defiantly is above your intellectual capabilities.”
OHHH and if my Mad Dog side had come out I might have revealed how you are actually called to be on these shows for comic relief but you don’t seem to realize you are the joke. SNAP! Sorry I couldn’t help me self. I lost my frontal cortex just for a bit. Maybe it’s in my purse!